I had a dream about you last night. It’s so rare that I dream of you. When I do, you are still a little baby, fussing in my arms. But last night, you were every one of your two years. You had your own little personality. It hurt my heart. It hurt feeling like the only time I get to watch you grow up is in my dreams. I wish I could hold you in real life, and not just in my dreams. I wish I could have that every day, and not just when I sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could go back. Go back to when you were born. When things were hard, but they were better then they are now. I know I made the right decision for you, but I wish I didn’t have too. Maybe things could be different if you were here, and not just in my dreams.
I miss you M.
For the first time in the last couple of weeks, I can breathe a little easier. I don’t feel completely at peace, and I know happiness is always relative and can change at a drop of a hat. But I feel like maybe, I can start to move forward. I feel a measure of peace, not only with where things are going, but how I feel, how I feel about myself, my family, and my life. I hope this stays.
God, I feel so up and down all the time. Just when I feel like I’m starting to feel better and that I can BE better, I hit a down swing and it’s crying for days. I can’t even find the words to say how upset I am, to even explain why. I just am.
I’m so tired of it. I just want to be happy already.
Lots of posts tonight!
Anyways, since apparently it’s skip Thanksgiving, and go straight to Christmas immediately after Halloween, I wanted to bring attention to a great fund that the agency I used does for birth mothers.
Every year they have a gift card drive, collecting money for birth moms who are parenting other children and may not have enough money to provide gifts for their children. They accept gift cards ranging from $25-200 from Acme, Target, Walmart and Visa gift cards to help out birth moms in need during the holidays.
You can also donate directly to the birth mother fund all year round that will go to any birth mom who’s placed who is having trouble finding a place to live, or paying bills. As someone who struggled a lot (but luckily had people who supported me financially), I think this is a great thing that my agency does to help out other girls who are not as lucky as me.
If you are considering donating any money, gift cards, etc this holiday season, please keep the AFTH birth mother fund in mind. If you need anymore information, feel free to message me :)
I’ve gotten a few updates on M recently! Been too caught up in my own personal shit to really enjoy them, but I am thankful for them. When all else fails, knowing that M is safe, and happy makes me feel that much better.
He was a scarecrow for Halloween this year. Last year he was a tiger, and miserable, so hopefully this year went a little bit better. He got to party with some nuns at daycare for Halloween during a parade and followed by a pizza party. Apparently M is a candy fiend, and doesn’t get it that often, R was worried that they may have to wrestle the candy from him at the end of the night. I asked for a picture of his costume, so hopefully she’ll send one soon. (On another note, that was the first time I ever actually ASKED to get a picture, and I still feel conflicted about it. Another post on that later)
Last weekend was also D’s moms birthday, M calls her his Baba. He sang happy birthday to her (well, a two year old’s version of happy birthday) over the phone and they visited D’s family as well.
I’ve been going to therapy for about a month now, and although it’s still obviously very new, I think it has helped me immensely. I look forward to my weekly appointments and I’m glad that I have a positive outlet. My therapist is encouraging me to start classes for school a lot earlier then what I had anticipated to start, but I think it might be good for me. She’s just been a really great help. I still feel down and sad sometimes, but it’s not overwhelming all the time. I really, really think I’m on the right path here. I wish I had the courage to do this sooner, but I’m happy I’m doing it now.
My blog is two years old. I knew I started this blog sometime in November, mostly because I remember finding some of my favorite blogs National Adoption month posts. And ultimately that was what pushed me to start my blog in the first place.
In spirit of my blogs birthday and NAM, ask away!
Anyone wanna kick off National Adoption Month and ask me something?
In honor of that, I’ll answer any and all questions that come into my inbox all month long. Whether it’s about my individual experience/adoption in general, I’ll do my best to answer. Ask away!
I did another education course for my agency today. I love being asked to do these and that I’m always on my case workers mind when they do these at the office. As always, it was a really great group of people, and I even got to hang out for the rest of the day which I don’t normally do. It was nice to have real conversations about adoption with people who understand. A lot of times, I feel like I’m talking in circles to some people and they even understand what I’m saying.
Besides being able to hang around longer then I normally do, these meeting was a lot different then the ones I usually do. Today, instead of my case worker asking me questions to get the conversation going, I was given free reign to talk about my adoption journey from the beginning to where I’m at now.
While being filmed.
They filmed me talking today, to put up as a testimonial on the agency’s website. I’m very honored to be asked to do this, and extremely nervous. Steph knows me well enough to have ambushed me with when I got there so I didn’t over think it. I’m really glad I did it, even though I may have bumbled like an idiot. Not sure when the video will be posted, but I’ll be sure to post it (but not watch it cause UGH, embarrassing) so other people can see it too. So glad that I got up early today and actually did my make up and my hair instead of rolling out of bed last minute, and rocking a messy bun.
For the first time doing one of these courses (I’ve done a pretty decent amount in the last two years), I actually got very emotional. Maybe it’s the stress of everything else I have going on now, maybe it was the added pressure of being on film, and maybe it was just that I’m missing M a little extra more lately, but I had a really hard time keeping my emotions in check. I usually get choked up when I talk about him, but this time I actually started crying.
And let me tell you, nothing more embarrassing then crying in front of strangers…while being video taped.
But I am grateful for the experience. Sometimes I feel like I approach the adoption in a very calculated, cool manner to others because I don’t want to lose myself. And it felt good to let that emotion out today.
I just hope I don’t look too stupid.