Hesitation.

Now that there is an official date to our visit and I’m actually in the works of setting a plan in motion, Zach is suddenly trying to back out of the whole thing. He says he doesn’t like travelling, that he’s (myself too) so to being reclusive that this whole trip seems out of character for us both. I think we will still end up going, but I think knowing that this is more then just a trip out to see our favorite band is what is making him want to back out of it.

I think knowing that we’ll be going to see D, R and M is what is making him hesitate. He was so nervous the last visit, he wanted to back out of that one, constantly asked me why we even had to do it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see them, because I know that he does. He enjoys hearing about all the emails, he thinks D is the coolest, he loved being able to see me interact with M the last time. It’s just the nerves that get to him. 

It’s so frustrating sometimes that he can be so indecisive about this stuff. I know how hard this adoption has been for him, how he still hasn’t and maybe never will come to terms with it, because he doesn’t ever talk about it. And I think that is our biggest difference, he worries endlessly until the time comes and he’s the most charming person ever and you’d ever doubt if he was ever really nervous at all. And I can play it cool until we actually see D, R and M and then I lose my shit and am a nervous wreck.

We’ll figure it out though. I know how lucky I am to have Zach to navigate this journey with. I know a lot of other birth moms don’t have their child’s birth father actively trying to make a relationship work with the adoptive parents. I know a lot of birth moms aren’t even still involved with their child’s birth father. I’m so lucky to have him, but god damnit, he can be frustrating.

Date is officially set

For our second visit! April 19th, me and Zachary will be driving to where D&R live and seeing them over the weekend! We are going to a show in their city, and hopefully hitting up a museum or two. Not sure what we’ll do when we meet up, anyone have any suggestions?

R said that M naps 12-2/30 everyday and is in bed by 7 so we’d have to do something in the afternoon. She suggested that we could grab lunch somewhere or go to a library or somewhere with a play section so we can run around with M. 

Is it selfish that I want to do both? It sounds like one or the other, but ultimately I’d really love to be able to run around play with him and maybe hit up that awesome sushi place D told us about. I guess we’ll see.

Told D we loved Clutch, he played this song for M and he danced right along to it. Warms my cold, cold black heart that his parents listen to such awesome music.

Visit Numero Dos

If I can get Zachary on board, I’m hoping that we will meeting up with D&R in April for the second time! Our favorite band, Clutch is playing in the city they live in and we were thinking of going up there for that and a few of the better museums. So I figured I’d see what D&R were up to and if they were down for meeting up.

After impressing me with liking our favorite band D, said he knew of a great sushi place we could meet up at if we did go that way. Definitely a deal on my part. Just gotta convince Zach to go now.

He was super super nervous when we saw them last June, and I think he’s kind of feeling that all over again. Plus he feels like it would be weird if we met them in the same place where they are living. I don’t think so at all, especially when they drove the whole way down here to see us. Zach rationalizes it as that we don’t actually live in Hershey where we met so it was different. It’s not like we would be like, staying with them or something, but he’s weird. I think I can convince him to go for it though. 

Who can resist sushi, our favorite band, awesome museums, and our favorite family?

It’s quite possible D is the coolest dad ever.

Every time I think this dude can’t up his cool points any more, he fucking does it. I’m like 99% sure this guy is literally just the older, a lil more hipster version of Zach.

It’s so weird how people come into your life. I didn’t know a thing about D&R outside of the very basic profile we got to look at. And I knew in a second that they were meant to be M’s parents. I thought maybe I was imagining it, how much they reminded me of ourselves, of where we wanted to be when we are their age. 

And it’s the littlest things tat make me love these guys more. We like all the same bands. D is a super crazy ass talented graphic designer. R is the sweetest and cutest lady ever.

How’d we luck out so much?

Baby’s first words.

Puppy and baby are apparently part of M’s vocab now. Can’t believe he’s big enough to say words now.

Guess it should be little dude’s first words ):

Now that all the excitement as worn off,

I really love all the back and forth emails I’ve had with D&R since I reached out with my case worker. While it puts my mind at ease, and I feel like a huge weight is gone, it doesn’t fix everything. Sure, it has made me feel better. And I know that this will be good for everyone involved (I wish you all could see the way Zach lights up when I read him the emails), it doesn’t take away from the fact that some days, I still struggle with my personal journey with adoption. But if I did learn one thing, it’s that I don’t solve anything by keeping it bottled up. It’s been over a year since we made our adoption plan and this whole time, I wished that we had a more open line of communication. Instead of saying this, I just kept it to myself, fearing that I would ruin everything. I make the suggestion, and three days later, I get my first email. You live and learn right?

In other not adoption news, I had a super awesome weekend. Granted too much of it involved making jeans related decisions with Zach (we seriously went to the mall three times for him to try on jeans, order jeans, not order jeans, go home and look online for jeans, go back to the mall to try on jeans. Jeans, jeans, jeans) but that’s what you get when your boyfriend has anxiety problems mixed with indecisive and OCD.

I tried Indian food for the first time. Loved it! Where has curry been my whole life and why have I never tried it before? I ordered glasses for the first time in like 8 years. My eyes are so fucked up that it’ll take over a week to order my lenses. Astigmatism in my right eye, paired with serious near sightedness, and slight near sightedness in my left eye. My right eye is srsly messed up. We took Zach’s mom’s dog to Pinchot, and I clumsily stumbled around in the woods covered in mud carrying a poop bag.

All in all, pretty decent weekend.

Updated and It feels so good.

Through our various emails (which you will all get tired of hearing about, but I am seriously tickled pink that we’re REAL time talking now), I’ve found out that M’s head is still huge. Thanks Zach.

His doctor thinks hes a little flat footed. Thanks Zach.

He loves to eat EVERYTHING, and throws temper tantrums while they are cooking because he doesn’t want to wait. Thanks Zach.

Is it just me or is this kid turning into a mini clone of Zach? It’s been like this since we started getting letters and everything, every update it seemed like he picked up another one of Zach’s traits. His hair is blonde like his, but it’s turning darker just like Zach’s did when he was younger. I feel like I got jipped on this whole 50% DNA shit.

He loves his light up turtle that tumblr helped me get we got him. Apparently he points to it everyday and wants it in his crib with him. Never did thank everyone for their help on deciding. We did good.

itonlylookslikeimincharge replied to your post: loving this whole being able to email D&R whenever…

Im so glad youre finally able to connect with them like this!

Me too! Honestly, I feel so much more at ease now, even with just the three emails we’ve exchanged already. It just makes me feel so much better now that I don’t feel like I will only hear about them once a year. It’s hard to put into words how much it means to me that they want to talk to us. 

loving this whole being able to email D&R whenever I want and being able to send them pictures. 

open adoption, ya’all.